Moments of Doubt

I’m starting to doubt if I can really handle becoming a single mom. The universe has thrown some tests at me the last few weeks. One of my friends is having a really hard time with her newborn where she isn’t getting any sleep even though she has a supportive partner, I’ve been invited on my dream trip to Greece this summer which I want to go but I don’t know how I will feel if I am pregnant, and I recently went on a few dates that reminded me about the way I always envisioned having a family. 

In short - the life I will be giving up is being thrown at me. I won’t have my relaxing evenings binging bravo shows, getting 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, trips exploring new parts of the world won’t exist for a long time, and will I really be able to invest enough time in dating to build a deep connection?

I am also feeling unsettled because I let myself briefly imagine a future with a man I barely know. I met him on Hinge and I became attracted to his sarcastic banter, good looks, and success. He made me laugh and was affectionate. I thought, ‘How much easier would it be if it just worked out with him?’ “Maybe I should just hold off my transfer a few months to see if this can develop into something.’ 

I talked to my sister about my feelings and I could sense her skepticism about me falling into my old patterns, asking me what I even knew about this guy. She gave me some good advice. She said, “I say go on a few more dates and see how things go - but around your next doctor's appointment you need to have the kid conversation with him and express how serious you are about wanting to be a mom. Because if he is on the fence about kids or doesn’t really want them (especially a new baby) then there’s no point to it and you don’t want to risk everything you’ve planned for and invested in this.”

I knew she was right, and as the days passed after that initial great first date, I wasn’t loving everything I learned. I was already a little cautious that he was very much living a bachelor lifestyle at his age. And then I slowly got the vibe that he was looking for something more casual and I started to see a bit of cockiness in him. I wasn’t seeing the effort to get to know me or communicate when we weren’t together. Then he met my dog, who in my eyes is my baby, and he showed no interest in him. It made me think, ‘If this is how he acts around a little dog, is he really going to be a good father?’

That last encounter took away the butterflies and excitement I had been feeling and my gut feelings started to get stronger that I should take a step back and not put off what I have been working for. I usually do a really good job at ignoring my gut, but I am trying to do better so that I don’t waste time. 

I think it’s important to recognize and validate your feelings at every step along the way. And maybe all of these things were thrown at me at the same time for a reason. One final test to see if I am ready to be a mom.